Ever since I got punched in the face in 7th grade for calling a classmate “boy”, I’ve cringed every time I’ve heard the term. The “boy” in question was indeed a boy, but the term and the way I said it was derogatory; something I had no idea about at that age. Today, I hear the term used widely by adult women to describe the person they are dating and I have to wonder; “If he is a “boy”, why are you still dating him?”. As a man, I prefer to be known as a man and let my actions show I am a man. If the person I am dating should call me a “boy”, I’d have to ask myself what I’m doing to earn this derogatory name.
Panel of “experts“?
I spent part of the holidays sending out emails to a few people I’ve known a long while in the blogging community asking them about this topic. The guys all came back with the same reasoning I have and will explain. The women were divided, most came back explaining that while they understood the derogatory sense of the word, they thought most women who use the term were probably doing it because it sounded cute. A few even shared my belief that songwriters such as Taylor Swift and Beyonce have ushered this trend by utilizing “boy” in a cute way to refer men in song lyrics. I understand this, and that is probably correct, but what about the guy? If he doesn’t like it, will he stand up and say something about it? The response I got from these same people was a unanimous “Depends”. Not too helpful until I pressed further at which point most came back with “Well, if it is something that bothers them initially, they probably won’t say anything because they don’t want to start an argument over something they can blow off especially in a budding relationship where he is completely enamored”. Later however, when the relationship settles, they may say something if it bothers them. Makes sense but why do it in the first place?
The women in my little panel came back with the same opinion I have on the matter; “Women who call men “boys” typically have control issues and believe they “own” the man. Calling them a “boy” is their way of slapping his nose and keeping control”. Now. If you are reading this and saying “I CALL HIM A BOY CUZ IT’S CUTE OMG” don’t fret, you might be doing it because it is cute… Or… You might subconsciously have control issues and feel like you need to control the man you are with. Perfectly fine if he is a good puppy and likes being lead around.
One commonality I’ve found on my own is that the women I know who use “boy” in this regard are often strong women… with huge insecurities in the relationship department. It was an interesting enough trait to warrant more research. I asked two women I know who fancy the term and both, who I’ve known long enough to be direct with and get direct responses from were very candid. Both readily admitted they had thought about it in the past and come to the conclusion that it was probably a control word. Both also replied that they had some very rough past relationships and the outcome was as long as they felt in control, things were fine. “Boy” was their subconscious way of feeling in control.
At the end of the day, to most men, who have proven they are indeed men by taking care of their family and friends, helping without reward, fathering and raising children, being half of a successful relationship, etc the term “boy” is a slap in the face.
It doesn’t matter if you are 20 or 60, it doesn’t matter if we laugh about it or act cutesy when a woman calls us “boy”, we do not like it. A boy is not yet a man. When a woman refers to a man as a boy we don’t hear it. What we do hear is “You are not yet a man, you have no experience, you are un-formed, you are without wits, you are useless to me as a woman”. That last one is especially terrifying. Every “man” wants to be a hero to his lady. Boy’s are not heroes. Every “man” wants to be the rock, the protector for his lady. Boys are not rocks and rarely can they protect. I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.
When a man *is* a boy
There are plenty of completely acceptable situations to refer to a full grown man as a boy. I’ve listed some of these below.
- A boy donates sperm but refuses to take responsibility of raising his child.
- A boy treats you like he owns you, trashing you to his friends.
- A boy shows you no respect.
- A boy only keeps you around because his insecurity makes him
- A boy is afraid to say “I love you” when the time is right.
- A boy thinks of his needs first and you needs last.
- A boy thinks you are a tool for his satisfaction.
- A boy takes no interest in your dreams and tries to destroy them.
- A boy looks forward to his game console after work rather than time with you.
- A boy physically or verbally attacks you.
Does the man you are dating sound like any of these?
Then perhaps you should stop calling him a “boy”. It isn’t cute. It isn’t sweet. It is unflattering and demeaning.