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5 Mistakes Men make about Strong Women

strongwomanI’ve been known to wax poetic about strong women in my course of blogging over the years. People generally write about things they are familiar with and while I am familiar with strong women, I won’t say I’m an expert.. on women.. at all..  As a male, to have the gall to say “I understand women” is akin to talking in the men’s room or not looking straight ahead while standing at the urinal. Men just don’t do it. Boys do. Which is why they are still boys.

I was lucky to have been brought up in a family of tough women whom I’ve written about. My oldest and closest friend is one of the strongest women I know. I have previously been married to and dated strong women. Along the way I have figured a few things out which you will find below.  I’m sure I have a lot more to learn.

1) She needs you.

No she doesn’t. Confused? She doesn’t need you. Simple as that. As a male, there is a good chance you’ve been brought up by a father who instilled male pride. That is great. If he also taught you about chivalry, courtesy and protecting your people then he is a saint. But. She still doesn’t *need* you. Women are no longer brought up to serve you. They are brought up to be independent, career oriented and self sufficient. The days of the hunter bringing home the game and the woman toiling in the house day in and day out are all but gone. Certainly some households still operate like this but not because they HAVE to, rather because they DECIDE to and believe me, being a housewife while you are out in the world at your “day-job” is a much harder job then whatever you are doing.

So. She doesn’t need you. You are going to have to deal with that. The mistake many men make here is to *treat* her like she needs you and you can never lose her. Taking advantage of a strong woman and acting as if you can get away with anything and she will put up with it is the fastest way to make her claw her way out of your life (and maybe your face along with it).

She does need you, she just doesn’t need you to tell her what to do or act like she can’t go on without you.

2) Treating her like “One of the Guys”.

Don’t get me wrong, many of the strong women I know like to be “one of the guys” but almost all of them will tell you that it should end when you leave the bar, pool hall, bowling alley, etc. When you and your lady are standing at home in the kitchen. In morning comfy clothes. Making eggs and brushing your teeth at the same time (I’ve seen this. In person), you shouldn’t be elbow nudging her in the ribs about that great hockey game you both watched last night. Yes she was screaming at the goalie louder than you, yes her man card might actually have more notches in it than yours but she is still a woman. No matter how strong a woman is or appears to be she is still the fairer sex and should be treated as such. I’m not saying coddle her, I’m definitely not, but putting your arm around her or stroking her hair instead of the elbow to rib nudge is a good start. Even if she is a bigger hockey fan then you.

Many men make the mistake here of thinking that her “one of the guys” personality is her all the time personality. This can especially happen when you’ve met for the first time in a public setting dominated by men such as sporting events, etc. Take time to get to know all sides of her and find things you adore about all of them.

3) Control Issues

Being in a relationship with a strong women is beneficial to the man who knows how to communicate and compromise. If you were brought up in a house where dad told mom what to do all the time, you probably do not appreciate strong women the way someone (like me), who grew up raised by a hard working single mom does. Strong, independent women don’t want to be told what to do. They want a partner, someone who compliments their strength with his own strength. Men who seek out women with weak constitutions usually do this due to insecurity within themselves. You’ll hear many men say “I love a strong independent woman” but then get into a relationship with one and two weeks later tell his buddies “She was too head strong” or “She was stubborn”. No. She was strong and independent and you couldn’t handle it. Simple as that. We all have insecurities but the difference is who controls the insecurities and who is controlled by them. A man whose insecurities control him will enter into a relationship with a strong woman and either be controlled by her or end up resenting her strength. A man in control of his insecurities will enter into a relationship with a strong woman and admire her courage, adore her strength and seek to build her up as she seeks to build him up.

4) The Gold Rush

I often hear “Men don’t want Gold Diggers”. Neither do women. Especially strong women. If she is out there building her career or making ends meet while you stay at home because you “can’t find a job” – eating Doritos and playing Call of Duty all day, she is going to kick you to the curb. Quickly.  A strong woman still wants a strong man who *can* take care of her, but doesn’t *need* to take care of her. Women find men who are “taking care of business” very sexy.

I have a close friend who years ago jokingly said “Nothing turns me on more than a man doing laundry”. That is a strong women who see’s a man taking care of his business. The opposite of lazy. The opposite of Doritos and Call of Duty.

5) Mr. Tough Guy

That crap you pull in the club to attract those little insecure minions? That won’t work with a strong woman. She is attracted to your strength, yes, but also to many other qualities. If you walk around all day like a peacock, it’s going to get old real fast. Strong women are still women and women have this thing called compassion that is built in. Men have it too, of course, but women are natural nurturers. There are going to be days when she comes home and just wants to curl up next to you. If you are too busy strutting around like Johnny Bravo, she’s going to find someone else who gets her softer side. On the contrary, she also wants to nurture. If you refuse to let her, say when you are not feeling well, you are taking away a natural joy that is built into her.

Hard to Handle

I’ve had many strong female friends say things like “So-and-so says I’m too independent”. Ironically one of those friends said this to me only a few minutes ago (which reminded me I hadn’t finished this draft yet!).

So, are strong, independent women “Hard to Handle”? That depends on the perspective. Instead of that phrase I tend toward “intriguing to know” or “always-keep-you-guessing personality” or even “an ever challenging intellect”. For an insecure man who is needy or wants to control the woman he is with, “hard to handle” might be the term that first comes to mind. In his case, he needs to decide if he his just not cut out to date a strong woman or address his personal insecurities and “be good for himself” before he can be good for another person.

Women who Call Men — “Boys”

boysslap punch in the face

Ever since I got punched in the face in 7th grade for calling a classmate “boy”, I’ve cringed every time I’ve heard the term. The “boy” in question was indeed a boy, but the term and the way I said it was derogatory; something I had no idea about at that age. Today, I hear the term used widely by adult women to describe the person they are dating and I have to wonder; “If he is a “boy”, why are you still dating him?”. As a man, I prefer to be known as a man and let my actions show I am a man. If the person I am dating should call me a “boy”, I’d have to ask myself what I’m doing to earn this derogatory name.

Panel of “experts“?

I spent part of the holidays sending out emails to a few people I’ve known a long while in the blogging community asking them about this topic. The guys all came back with the same reasoning I have and will explain. The women were divided, most came back explaining that while they understood the derogatory sense of the word, they thought most women who use the term were probably doing it because it sounded cute. A few even shared my belief that songwriters such as Taylor Swift and Beyonce have ushered this trend by utilizing “boy” in a cute way to refer men in song lyrics.  I understand this, and that is probably correct, but what about the guy? If he doesn’t like it, will he stand up and say something about it? The response I got from these same people was a unanimous “Depends”. Not too helpful until I pressed further at which point most came back with “Well, if it is something that bothers them initially, they probably won’t say anything because they don’t want to start an argument over something they can blow off especially in a budding relationship where he is completely enamored”. Later however, when the relationship settles, they may say something if it bothers them. Makes sense but why do it in the first place?

The women in my little panel came back with the same opinion I have on the matter; “Women who call men “boys” typically have control issues  and believe they “own” the man. Calling them a “boy” is their way of slapping his nose and keeping control”. Now. If you are reading this and saying “I CALL HIM A BOY CUZ IT’S CUTE OMG” don’t fret, you might be doing it because it is cute… Or… You might subconsciously have control issues and feel like you need to control the man you are with. Perfectly fine if he is a good puppy and likes being lead around.

Common Traits

One commonality I’ve found on my own is that the women I know who use “boy” in this regard are often strong women… with huge insecurities in the relationship department. It was an interesting enough trait to warrant more research. I asked two women I know who fancy the term and both, who I’ve known long enough to be direct with and get direct responses from were very candid. Both readily admitted they had thought about it in the past and come to the conclusion that it was probably a control word. Both also replied that they had some very rough past relationships and the outcome was as long as they felt in control, things were fine. “Boy” was their subconscious way of feeling in control.

At the end of the day, to most men, who have proven they are indeed men by taking care of their family and friends, helping without reward, fathering and raising children, being half of a successful relationship, etc the term “boy” is a slap in the face.

It doesn’t matter if you are 20 or 60, it doesn’t matter if we laugh about it or act cutesy when a woman calls us “boy”, we do not like it. A boy is not yet a man. When a woman refers to a man as a boy we don’t hear it. What we do hear is “You are not yet a man, you have no experience, you are un-formed, you are without wits, you are useless to me as a woman”. That last one is especially terrifying. Every “man” wants to be a hero to his lady. Boy’s are not heroes. Every “man” wants to be the rock, the protector for his lady. Boys are not rocks and rarely can they protect. I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.

When a man *is* a boy

There are plenty of completely acceptable situations to refer to a full grown man as a boy. I’ve listed some of these below.

  • A boy donates sperm but refuses to take responsibility of raising his child.
  • A boy treats you like he owns you, trashing you to his friends.
  • A boy shows you no respect.
  • A boy only keeps you around because his insecurity makes him
  • A boy is afraid to say “I love you” when the time is right.
  • A boy thinks of his needs first and you needs last.
  • A boy thinks you are a tool for his satisfaction.
  • A boy takes no interest in your dreams and tries to destroy them.
  • A boy looks forward to his game console after work rather than time with you.
  • A boy physically or verbally attacks you.

Does the man you are dating sound like any of these?

No?

Then perhaps you should stop calling him a “boy”. It isn’t cute. It isn’t sweet. It is unflattering and demeaning.

Tips on Ice Driving in Dallas – From a Displaced Yankee

helpAs I was driving on the partially sanded, ice packed bridges to work this morning after what the Dallas Observer is dubbing “Winter Storm Cleon” (Click the link, it’s hilarious.), I was struck by how many locals just don’t know how to handle driving in this crap.

Thus I bring you:

How to drive in Dallas when it’s icing.

  1. Don’t be an asshole – This speaks for itself.
  2. Stay Home – You suck at driving in anything under 60 degrees. Get some Oreos, turn on Netflix and put on your comfy pants.
  3. Don’t ride my ass – It is you, me and some 87 year old great grandfather out here on I-35. There is no need for you to crawl up my tail-pipe. If I have to stop suddenly, which I might do anyway just to piss you off, you’ll slide right into me and I left my nice car at home just so I could let you.
  4.  Learn to Engine Break – If you drive a manual, congratulations, you are a badass. Even if you don’t, you can engine break to slow down on icy bridges if you are tailgating like an ass-hat (see #2). Down shift or in your automatic, click it down into “2” or “1”. Slamming on your breaks on an iced bridge is about as efficient as eating an ice-cream cone in hell.
  5. Don’t stop on a hill (or park on one) - Gravity sucks. Literally. And it’s trying to suck your car down that hill/ Normally that is not a problem but when there is three inches of ice on the road, all you are going to do is spin. Be conscious of where you park. Once you have some momentum going, moving up-hill becomes easier.
  6. Keep your speed consistent - You think you are better than everyone you are passing but every time you come to a bridge, your sphincter clenches up and you slow down. Stop it. You are impeding the natural flow of traffic. Keep a consistent speed and coast (that means letting off the gas, genius) over areas of ice. When you are applying energy to your wheels and hit a patch of ice, you are going to lose control. Coasting allows you to maintain control.

Why I’m not on the PS4 train… yet.

ps4-250x250On Friday at midnight, Sony launched it’s PS4 gaming console to droves of people waiting in lines all over the US. I was not one of them and as news pours in from new owners, I’m happy I didn’t pitch a tent at my local Game Stop.

I’ve been a fan of the PlayStation since it’s inception. I’m not a hardcore gamer like many of my friends but I enjoy an occasional game and I really love the PS3’s ability to be a media center.

Initial Release Jitters

There are throngs of people who follow the line of thinking which states: “Never buy the first year model of a new car line”. The idea around this is that “new things” including cars (and gaming consoles) are rushed to market without a thorough quality assurance test. While this may or may not be true in some, or all instances, the theory does hold some water. The news has already reported several issues regarding the PS4 and there are others to be found in comments on Amazon, etc.

Blue Light of Death

To be fair, it seems so far that the  “Blue Light of Death” is affecting only a handful of people. However, in the age of instant everything, a handful can start the ball rolling with unprecedented speed. Within a few days of release, Sony released a troubleshooting guide which includes the old stand by of “reboot it”. No word on whether the issue is user-serviceable or something that will have to be fixed by Sony.

Taking the media out of the media center

These days, everything from TV’s to phones have the ability to stream content, be it music or video. My Television, AppleTV, Phone, iPad, and my PS3 can all stream video and music from various places to my TV.

Why then did Sony take out the support for MP3 and DLNA (Streaming Video) on the PS4? Sony says it was “shocked by the passionate response” from people who learned that DLNA and MP3 was no longer supported. For the non-geeks out there let me quickly explain. DLNA is a protocol that allows you to stream video from a server on your local network. For example, I have a server which has hundreds of movies I’ve ripped from my personal Blu-Ray and DVD collection. If I want to watch something, I simply power up my PS3, look through the categories I set up and choose a movie. Simple as that. The movie streams from my little server and life is good. This was not included in the PS4, it is the biggest reason why I opted out of the pre-order and I’m not alone according to the masses. Sony says it will include it at some point and was surprised at the number of people who canceled pre-orders so I expect they will be adding it soon.

No more free online play

The one thing the PS3 always had over the XBox was that there was no charge for online play. For me this is big because I don’t game enough to justify paying a monthly fee for the “privilege” of using my own internet connection but the games I do play are all online with other live people all over the world. I’m also technical enough to know that Sony uses none, or very little of it’s infrastructure to host online gaming. When you boot up your Battlefield 4 or any other number of online games, you are connected to a central server. In the case of BF4, a server owned by EA Games. Where is Sony’s chip in this? No where except the development code that allows you a point-to-point connection to EA’s server. It’s pure profit. Long before consoles went online, we were playing first person shooters with our friends across the city without a monthly charge. Going back to the BF4 example, the PC based version still plays online without a charge.

Other things that might matter to you

There are a few other things that might sway decisions on whether to purchase a PS4.

  • No backward compatibility. This makes sense to me as a developer and would drive the price up but might influence a decision if you had hoped to play your PS3 games on the PS4
  • In order to stand vertical, you’ll need to buy a stand (available in December). This might not be a big deal to you but to an OCD guy like me, it matters. :)
  • It doesn’t support 4K. If you don’t know what this means, it probably doesn’t matter to you.
  • No wireless stereo headset support.

The Good, the Bad, The Ugly – A sum of all things

The good: The PS4 is a great offering for the gamer willing to pay for online play. The new Dualshock4 controllers are supposed to be superb and are getting amazing reviews. The PS4 is more “PC Like” as opposed to the PS3’s cell processor technology which was a PITA for game developers. Sony is embracing the Indie game designers and allowing their titles to be played without too much drama. It’s powerful. It’s pretty.

The bad: The online pay-to-play reminds us that the PS4 comes from a super-corporation who’s goal is to make money. The lack of DLNA and MP3 support along with the “shocked” response from Sony tells me that little R&D into the community was done.

The Ugly: So far the only “ugly” is the the Blue Light of Death. If I’d waited hours in line, I’d be upset too. The potential negative press from issues like this could drive down sales but in reality probably will have little effect as long as more issues don’t crop up.